People Pleasing: understanding the roots and consequences

29th June 2024

Nicola

Uncategorised

People Pleasing

https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/people-pleasing-understanding-the-roots-and-consequences

I am noticing more and more in my practice that when we are neurodivergent, we are often people-pleasers, particularly if we have ADHD. I have lived experience of this too.

When we are in the moment there is a strong desire to say 'yes' to people. Often this can lead to emotional dysregulation when we have processed things.

Ways people pleasing shows up ...

People pleasers have the highest level of anxiety as they are always monitoring how others feel
High in neurodivergents as their need to be accepted is strong
It is a cycle
They are raised to believe that they have to emotionally monitor everyone around them to keep them safe
They struggle most with letting someone feel sad
They believe their role is to make other people happy
They begin as parent people pleasers
Usually played the role of cheerleader or therapist to a overwhelmed parent
Some played peacemaker to parents in a toxic relationship
This role continues into adulthood
Sometimes they put every one else's needs before their own
Sometimes they deny their own needs
This leads to fear of standing up for yoursel
Not expressing your true feelings
Appeasing others eg, "I'm ok as long as you're ok" even when youre not
In romantic relationshi;ps it ccan look like over-giving or sacrificing yourself
It could result in ignoring 'red flags' or staying with people who continue to hurt or disrespect you
The idea of leaving them and allowing them to face the consequences feels overwhelming so it is easier to stay despite feeling unhappy
Healing from people pleasing is about understanding your role as an adult compared to a child
An adult is not responsible for helping people from feeling negative emotions
Adults are responsible for their own behaviour and feelings in order to have self respect
This means protecting ourselves not expecting others to do it for us
At times it may be necessary for people in our lives to feel bad
People learn from their pain and heal/grow

How to set boundaries to avoid people pleasing

When we first set boundaries we might feel selfish or it may feel wrong
This is a key sign that we are within people pleasing patterns
Boundaries are healthy
We all need boundaries to keep ourselves safe
Having boundaries attracts healthy people into our lives
When we stop emotionally monitoring we can be kind to others and ourselves
We can allow people to face their own emotions; the consequences of their own actions and to grow as human beings
If you do say 'yes' in the moment, there is nothing wrong with taking time to reflect before you respond
Tell the person you have reflected on your decision and you are concerned and feel you need to set some boundaries if you are to proceed as agreed. This has happened to me several times.
In my experience it is also important to draw up a contract if you are entering into an agreement whether that be a personal or professional one
Having a contractual agreement will avoid confusion or misunderstandings later and minimuse overwhelm